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July 31st, 2008 @ 11:15pm
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[Private.]
This can't fucking be real. I'm having a very vivid dream and I'm going to wake up any time now.
I'm pregnant. I'm fucking pregnant. I...what knowledgeable deity would make me a damned mother? I'll be horrible at it. I'm selfish. I'm cruel. I'm basically a psychotic bitch. And I like it that way. For God's sake, look at my tale! "Wicked" and "mother" are in my name and I sincerely doubt they meant "wicked-awesome". Yes I look out for Lucy but she's my sister and that's different. I just fuck with people that try to fuck with her. To have someone relying on me for survival...how the hell could I pull that off?
I don't know how this happened. I've been on the pill since I was sixteen. Was I really enough of an idiot to forget a few days? Or did fate decide to fuck me over so badly that I'm in the two percent that it doesn't work for? I have no morning sickness. Maybe a little nausea but no projectile vomiting. I was going to the bathroom fairly often, yes but...fucking God. Why couldn't it be diabetes? Why?
Fuck. I...I need to consider my options here because I can't raise a child. I'd be the worst mother possible for any kid. I can't have an abortion. I can't do it. Strange as it seems for me to have any sort of morals...a woman can do what she wants with her body. I honestly believe that. But I won't. I won't kill a baby. I could put it up for adoption. Or...give custody to one of my cousins. I have plenty of obnoxiously good parents in my family that would love another mouth to feed. fdjksaglkjdsa I'm not even thinking straight.
And I go home to see mother soon. ...actually, this may be the first time in her life she's proud of me.
God fucking dammit. Maybe someone will shove me down a flight of stairs.
[/Private.]
...gotta love Murphy's Law.
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February 9th, 2008 @ 3:17pm
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[Private]
I can't believe something like a television show about ghost-busting brothers could hit so close to home. I hate myself for relating to a pathetic CW show, but I do. I am Dean Winchester, if he hadn't had good examples in his life.
From the day she was born, Lucy was the one who was coddled, babied and adored. I was taught to fend for myself and look after my baby sister. Which...I suppose I shouldn't complain about. It's what keeps money in my bank account and food on my table. Anyway, then mother remarried. I thought it would be fantastic. I'd have a father who would look after me like my mother did for Lucy. No. He coddled, babied and adored Liz. I understand why. Liz was his own. Lucy? Was momma's baby. But it would have been nice to be showered with affection like they were. Even once. But no. I was the oldest. I knew how to take care of myself and I had to look after the young ones.
And I still do. I love Lucy. Anything she wants, if it's within my reach, she'll have. Despite how badly I treat Liz (which is more out of jealousy than anything), if she needed me? I'd be there. I'd protect her with my life, if it came to that.
But...I have to wonder. Is it really love? For either of them? Or simply what I was told to do and now it's been pounded into my head and I can't shake it no matter what I do. Do I love anyone? Or is it force of habit? Can I love anyone?
And...if I had been the younger sister and Lucy the elder, would our personalities have been reversed? If someone had spoiled me as Lucy had been (and even Liz, before her father died), would I have turned out like this? Do I regret the way I am, or is this some random contemplation that I'll forget about in a day or so?
Are people born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?
...I just referenced Supernatural and Wicked in the same journal entry. I need to sever myself from popular media.
[/Private]
In Boston. ...I need to get out. Lucy? Dancing?
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January 23rd, 2008 @ 12:05pm
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So. Heath Ledger.
Normally? I'd be saying it's ridiculous how upset everyone gets over a celebrity death. Sure, it's sad. It's sad when anyone dies. But does the entire world mourn the death of an average Joe? Of course not.
Anyway, that's not the point. The truth is, I actually liked him. He was incredibly talented, and anyone who knows me knows that I wouldn't give a compliment if I didn't mean it. There wasn't one movie he was in that I didn't like, that he didn't excel in. And he seemed to be one of the responsible ones.
They say it might have been an accidental overdose which is truly sad.
I'm pretty sure I'm echoing what everyone is thinking when I say "Why couldn't it have been Britney?".
I ran into some trouble in a bar a couple of nights ago. I may or may not have broke a guy's nose and quite possibly destroyed any hope he had of having children in the future.
Why is it that some men can't understand that no means no? I understand. You like sex. I like sex too. You don't see me trying to force anyone into it.
You could just tell that he was crawling with diseases. Ugh.
Lesson to the general public? Don't touch me without my permission. Just...don't.
I'm done with Chicago. I think I'm going to Boston for a little while to see my sisters, then...I'm not sure. I think I need to go somewhere where no one knows me.
I'm starting to sound human. I blame it on the NyQuil, it won't happen again.
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December 10th, 2007 @ 9:47pm
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